Every moment of every day. Sadly I can honestly say that it would be easier if my son and grandson had died than it is knowing they are out there somewhere and I will never be allowed to be part of their lives. Their can never be closure, never be actual healing, the grief caused by their loss is fresh and raw, each thought of them reopening the wound, causing it to fester. It is not something that can get better and in the end it will kill me. I already know this. Not a day goes by that I don't contemplate ending it to escape quotes the pain of their loss. I am alive only because I can not bare the thought of hurting my other children more than they already suffer having lost their brother and nephew.